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| For some reason, it feels like I woke up one day, and was in a completely new chapter of life. It didn't happen at the beginning of this year, and I'm pretty sure it didn't happen over the summer. It just....happened one morning. I am still the same old me, but I am changed.
On the surface, not much has changed. I am still with Mike, and things are wonderful, but we aren't engaged. I'm not getting married, and I'm not having a child....which seem to be the two popular things to do these days. Am I a freak because i'm not chomping at the bit to really do either? Don't get me wrong...if Mike asked, I would say yes with absolutely zero hesitation....but I don't really feel the need to rush it.
My mother always told me that with maturity comes responsibility and vice versa. I never truly understood or believed that, until recently. I feel that this is probably the cause of my feeling like I've jumped over some unspoken threshold and now am on the other side looking back at the old me. I am taking on more and more responsibilities at work, mostly because my administration feels I can handle it. There are positions on several committees that I am now holding because someone in power felt that I was the best person to fill them. This is really hard for me to believe...mostly because deep down I am terribly insecure about my abilities as a teacher. At the end of the day, I boil it down to....I am still ONLY a second year teacher. I am a special education teacher, which. according to the federal government under No Child Left Behind, means I'm not qualified to "truly teach" any subject matter because I'm not "highly qualified." Yet, someone along the lines thinks I am doing something right. On the one hand, it is very flattering and comforting to know that I am doing something right. It makes me feel very valued when my administrators want MY input on the issues. On the other hand, I feel like i'm being pushed into positions that I'm not truly ready to handle yet.....back to whole insecurity issue.
Looking through past posts from almost a year ago I realized that my biggest fear was that I was withdrawing and isolating myself. I still sometimes worry about that. Mike is on the road for pretty much 20 days out of the month. I couldn't be happier for him. He is doing really well at his job, and for the most part enjoying it. He is going on tour with Manheim Steamroller for the holiday season...which is great, but kind of sucks all at the same time. BUT in his absence, I have forced myself to go out with school people. I have made some really, really close friends at work. I have a regular group that I go out with on a weekly basis. At the end of the day, it is really comforting to know that I have achieved a social network at work......rather than completely withdrawing and cutting myself off.......which is what I was all but convinced would happen.
Overall, things are good. Some days, I feel like I am on the other side of the gorge looking back at the way things used to be....seeing myself as a changed person. Other days I feel like I am standing at the edge of the cliff, working up the courage and the faith to jump across.
..................stay tuned...................
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| So, we have no school tomorrow..............because it's going to be COLD. Seriously?? We all live in Nebraska....we all know how the weather can be pissy. canceling school because it's cold just kills me. That being said.....i wouldn't want my child waiting at a bus stop for upwards of 30 minutes in -30 degree temperatures..... that and the switch to biodiesel is KILLING the buses!!!!!
In other news, I'm doing the Biggest Loser at school.............yay for not being fat. Honestly, as pathetic as this sounds, the hardest things that i will have to mostly part with are cheese and booze. First cheese, i love cheese. I could live on it, seriously. I love all kinds. I like it on crackers. I like it on sandwiches. I like it on salads. Yes.....i will eat it in a house, i will eat it with a mouse..........(well probably not with a mouse. They are gross and also addicted to cheese). Regardless.............I like cheese, but it's NOT good for me.
Secondly is alcohol. Now, i'm not a booze hound or anything......however i have become one of those "glass of wine with dinner" types. I love wine.............LOVE IT! So that is going to be hard to part with as well.
The good part of all of this is that my elliptical is getting used again! yay!
No real updates other than that really...............
March is going to SUCK.......well pretty much the fact that we have 7 weeks of school without a single day off is going to suck. So, i don't have a day off until spring break.......which doesn't start until April 7th!
Go me....
-----------------stay tuned-------------------->
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| We had a pretty in depth discussion of life goals today in my reading class......at least it was in depth for 7th graders. And at the end of it all, i was terribly disappointed and sad. Very few of these kids have higher education of ANY kind as their future plans. I honestly had a couple of my guys say, "why bother with the money of college when i'll probably screw up and wind up in jail before i finish anyway?" Now, i'm not living in a delusional world or anything. I realize college isn't a priority or even an option for many of my students considering the population i teach.....but what the HELL happened to dreams?
I've always been too sarcastic and cynical for my own good, but it didn't come until high school and i started figuring out how the world really works. It's really upsetting to see how jaded and defeated my kids are before they even turn 13. Picking up notes discussing drug use, sex, losing your virginity, watching abuse happen, or being the victim of it is really starting to drain on me. Don't get me wrong, i love every minute of what i do, even if i walk out of the building wanting to tear my hair out.......but it's just sickening to me that my kids are already giving up. I suppose it just shows that society is expecting them to screw up, so no one is really surprised when they do.
Things are just tiring right now. Mike is gone, a LOT...........and it's wearing on me. He comes home on wednesday, and i leave on thursday, and then parent conferences are on Valentine's Day...........how romantic. I think i've decided that this being a grown up "stuff" isn't all it's cracked up to.............
I just keep thinking, what is the damn rush? Yes, i'd like to get married, yes, i'd like to have children...........SOMEDAY. I am just in no hurry to do it............ i think this is where the cynical me starts popping in.....so on that, i will leave you.
I'm off to Vegas at the end of the week, and it can't come fast enough.............
stay tuned.............................
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| I know it's been a while, and i know it's totally trite of me to title my post with Tilly lyrics, but somehow they are so fitting.
Lately i've been feeling like i need to do 100% if not better on everything that i do. I've been setting unrealistic expectations for myself, because at the end of the day, my internal need for acceptance has transformed itself into some sort of feeling that if i don't do 100% and if i make mistakes they won't ask me back next year. I knew i would get like this. I just knew it. I push myself too hard, which ends up usually being good. Only this time, i've pretty much ended up isolating myself. The only person i spend any significant amount of time with is Mike. I love that, don't get me wrong, but i have NO social life.
I know what most of you are probably thinking, It's your first year, you're not supposed to have a social life. You main goal is NOT drowning. True, very true. However it was also my goal not to become a total recluse. And i can honestly say i'm rapidly turning into a 22 year old cat lady. I don't know whether to be disappointed or disgusted. I'm generally happy, but i just feel like something is missing.
The upside to everything is that i am loving my job. The dust is starting to settle and i'm able to get past the day to day crap and start looking forward. I told my parents the night before i started new teacher stuff on August 8th that my biggest fear is that i would start, and i'd blink and it would be Thanksgiving or Christmas. Well........we're less than a month out from Thanksgiving. Looks like i was pretty much spot on. It terrifies me that things are going so fast. I'm so scared that i will wake up one day and realize that i'm middle-aged and that my best years are gone. I'm sick of being in a fog. I'm so damned sick on being a bystander in my own life......
That being said, i honestly don't feel like there's anything that i can do to change that right now. I've been making friends at work. I've been trying to go out more with them. At the end of the day, i'm having fun. I'm enjoying my job. There is something oddly rejuvenating about being around 13 year olds all day. Their world is so focused on the here and now. It is centered on their social life. You live and die by what someone else thinks of you, and everything is terribly overdramatic. Something about it though, gives me a renewed sense of youth. (not that i'm saying i'm ancient or anything). It just makes me evaluate things differently. It's also made me realize that kids are growing up WAY too damned fast, and that honestly scares me. I just need to keep telling myself that I can be that person for every kid. I can't save everyone.............because right now, i can't hold back the river.......i've got to hold myself together instead.
I'll come back when i can......
...................stay tuned....................
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| So, i am alive. Things are crazy with school and such. I am more in love every day of my life. The only things i have time for are school, mike, and sleep.......pretty much in that order. I'm sorry i am neglecting this.......
Hopefully i'll be able to write more than a few sentences before thanksgiving!
stay tuned...................
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